Well, it's not going to be a secret anymore. I started developing this unhealthy habit last month. I was becoming more self-aware about myself, how I look. I used to love looking at myself in the mirror but now it's different. 

I wanted to lose weight. All this stress and trying to cope with new norms had taken their tolls on my health, physically and mentally and I'm sure I'm not alone. 

[TW: Eating Disorder]

No, I'm not diagnosed. But God knows how hard I try to starve myself, even today. Every now and then, I'll force myself to throw up. Now that the world is slowly healing from the pandemic, people are starting to go out again, no, I don't want that for myself. I don't want to go out, looking like how I look.

No one knows how much I struggle to stay sane. I know a lot of people out there have it much worse than me and I should be thankful for everything but I just can't help it. How can I look at myself the same again? How can I look at myself and say, "You look great". Because no, I don't. I can't lie to myself anymore.

I used to be a ray of sunshine, I shone the brightest, I made people laugh, I was confident, I knew what I wanted.  Now, the scenario is painted differently. I want to be what I used to be. I want to be who I was. Now, the world seems, grey. The bright colour of the Sun, orange, yellow, now fade. leaving me, never the same. 

I don't talk about this with anyone and that's probably why I'm so lost. I hope after writing this, this heavy weight on my shoulder will be lifted. 

Stay safe, love,

Wendy.